GRIEF in Real Time

This morning I was scrolling through my facebook memories and happened upon this post from 2013, almost a decade ago:

Picture is screenshot of FB memories from 9 years ago. Reads “Worked 14 hours yesterday, 6 today, plus my workout this morning. Tie-yerd!”

It hit me so hard I allowed myself to process my grief in the moment with my FB friends and fam because grief is a normal part of life. There SHOULD BE nothing shameful or secretive about grieving our losses. My chronic illnesses means my body is deteriorating and I can both be thankful for the ability I do have and grieving what I am losing.

I interrupted my planned Wellness Wednesday content to share this with you. This is what grief processing can look like in real time.

“When I saw this memory I gasped! Whew! If I worked 14 hours STRAIGHT in my present body I would be down for weeks. I would be so sick now, my body just can no longer take that stress. From my autoimmune disease to my cartilage free (Which sounds about as good as fat free 🥴) knees my whole body would probably give out and be inflamed for days. 

I’m thankful that I had it when I needed it and I’m adjusting to the limitations of my current body. And honestly, it’s difficult sometimes. That means, yup, grief. 

Grief is a multifaceted learning journey that SEEMS full of contradictions (it’s really just balance tho). Today, I am proud of a body that held up under traumas and monumental stressors. And although sometimes I yearn for that level of energy again I recognize I partially only had it because I didn’t have a choice. I worked hard because hard work was necessary for the life I was cultivating AND the capitalist system is not set up for people who cannot provide physical labor and it sho ain’t set up for care for the poor. 

I’ve been working my body and mind hard, toiling in the work my soul must have. And now I sense a shift in the way I must work going forward.

I don’t want to grind anymore. I’m tired, ya’ll. I have worked my body, probably overworked it honestly. And I’m tired. Ok?

Now, I’m learning to align and thrive and call things into be. Its a different kind of work, but it still takes dedication and practice and trust. 

But I’m not judging or dismissing my season of grinding because life is balance…that grind taught me that if my failing body can bring forth fruit, how much more will my indomitable spirit bring forth abundant fruit.”

I provide a safe space to process grief every 4th wednesday via zoom. If you need some support as you grief major life changes and losses, join us. Register via the link below.

FAITH

The Oxford Dictionary defines Faith as “1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something” and “2. strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension [i.e. understanding] rather than proof.” Have you ever had a situation you needed desperately to change and somehow you knew it would work out? You had no proof, but something within you gave you hope it would work out? That, my friends, is faith. It is transcendent, it cannot be explained or contained within the confines of human reason or logical experience.

However, The Oxford Dictionary definition introduces a conundrum. Although we can have strong belief in the doctrines of religion, as we evolve and grow we are finding that a lot of foundational religious doctrines are oppressive and lead to spiritual abuse and bondage. Religious doctrine is not free from the -isms and schisms of the time it was written and of the time it is being interpreted. All doctrine is an educated guess from finite people trying to understand the unseen spirit world. 

All we can say for certain is that we don’t know for certain. Sometimes that can lead us to a confusing place, and that’s ok. Knowing that you don’t know is the beginning of developing a very personal understanding of the spiritual realm. Without certainty, without physical proof of what I believe, I have to trust the knowing of my spirit and the wisdom of my life experiences.

Personally, I know there is something working around me, within me, and with me to impact people with LOVE. I know that love has never steered me wrong. I know that I will forever be presented with opportunities to love. I have experienced the love of the Divine to overflowing and have faith that this love cannot be extinguished. I am not very dogmatic about any doctrine other than God IS love. I have faith that if I go about spreading love God will show up and multiply that love. I have seen it and experienced it too many times to doubt it. My complete trust and confidence is in the God of love. I cannot see or prove this God, but my spirit apprehends and my experiences support my faith in the healing power of love. 

What is the foundation of your personal faith?

If you need some support as you explore your faith and beliefs please book an appointment for a spiritual care consultation. Let’s walk together!

An Attitude of Gratitude

“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer…”

-Maya Angelou

I’ve been a chaplain for almost 12 years now and in that time I have seen unbelievable losses. One of the things that has greatly impacted me has been meeting care-seekers who have been given a devastating diagnosis and who, somehow, remain hopeful. When I ask how they are coping with the difficulty they regularly refer to their “attitude of gratitude.” Somehow, no matter what happens, they find a way to be thankful for the blessings and resources they have even in the midst of a difficult time.  

Life happens. Often the happenings are difficult, tragic, and sometimes downright devastating. When life happens it is important to feel all of the difficult feelings that come along for the ride, including disappointment, anger, sadness, grief, disbelief. However, without something to balance those difficult emotions we can find ourselves sliding down the hill towards hopelessness and despair. This is where gratitude can be used as a practice to help reorient ourselves to the good that our current reality contains even in the midst of difficult circumstances. I don’t need to be grateful for the difficult thing and I can root myself in gratitude as I go through the difficult thing. Beware of the notion that gratitude somehow removes the difficulty, “fixes” something, or makes everything better. It is spiritual bypassing and it is faulty and harmful. You cannot use gratitude to avoid grief and loss. However, you can use gratitude to remain buoyant in life’s stormy sea.

The next time you are feeling that downward slide towards despair, feel the difficult feelings AND find 5 things you can be grateful for. Five is a number of grace, spiritual growth, and self-confidence. Don’t take anything for granted, really take an inventory and find all the things you can be thankful for. I guarantee it will give you some perspective and lighten your mood. When you have an attitude of gratitude you spend more time thankful for what you have than lamenting what you don’t have. It makes a difference. Try it out and let me know how it works for you!

DISTRACTIONS

In today’s time where we carry pocket-sized super computers around, there are many distractions. Just as driving and looking at your cell phone is physically dangerous to you and others, spiritual distractions can be dangerous as well. Pride is one such distraction that can short-circuit our spiritual growth and cause harm to others.

Pride is a distraction from the universal truth that we are born for supportive community. Instead of a “we” mentality, it is a manifestation of the ego that says “I” am most important. It is an indoctrination of the capitalist system that keeps us locked in to the lies of a hierarchical economic system: If I have more stuff or status I am better than you and I don’t need you, because needing others is a weakness. 

LIES!!! First, we must remember that we NEED communities of care and support for our spiritual health. Needing others is not a weakness, it is human. Second, we must learn to engage authentically and intimately with others beyond the distractions this system is designed to provide. It is social architecture: keep people distracted and distanced with consumerism through media, television, and music, -isms and schisms. Capitalism itself keeps us so busy trading our time and labor for money, we often miss opportunities to lean into what’s important. 

What is always important is leaning into our connections with the Divine, ourselves, and others. Don’t allow this system to convince you that you don’t need other people. That is a lie that will keep you trying to LOOK like you don’t need anyone, when the fact is we all need each other. WE NEED EACH OTHER! And it is not weakness, we are better together. We are stronger when we are well supported and have opportunities to support others. We are spiritually healthy when our connections are strong and secure. 

We can get through anything and we gone get through everything TOGETHER.

Contact me and let me know how I can support you below. 

Communities of Care and Support

Last week we talked about the importance of having a support system to turn to for connection to God, self, and the other. This week I want to focus on the connection to the other. I semi-jokingly say if we were meant to live alone we would hatch out of eggs in the forest perfectly suited for a solitary existence, but we don’t. We are born literally connected to another person, dependent on our mother’s life for our own. Then, especially in the United States, we get indoctrinated with the ideal of rugged individualism. Hopefully, as we learn and grow we start to question our indoctrination because of the truth in our midst.

There is no one on this earth who has achieved anything through rugged individualism. There is no cogent argument against this assertion; it is simply fact. Most of the 1% in the United States came into their money by generational wealth, i.e. the generation before them giving them a hand up to succeed. However, rugged individualism and bootstrap mentality is preached to the masses, perhaps because they know when the people come TOGETHER we are dangerous.

What if we could really see ourselves as an integral part of a community of care? When I was growing up in a Black church, during my formative years in the late 70s and 80s, we were a community of care and support. I remember the community taking care of each other. I gladly wore hand me down clothing from Moni G, a stylish, older teen church member (rest in heaven big sis). I remember casseroles trains when someone was sick, home visitations to care for the elderly, nursing home visits to care for the disabled; I saw a community of care and support at its best. And many other churches in the community did the same. Each person was an important part of the community and contributed what they could. It was socialism at its best.

Somewhere, the modern church has lost its way, holding theology and rhetoric as more important than the actual practice of care and support. There’s a saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” People are hurting and in need and theology doesn’t fill their bellies or pay their bills. People are hurting and have found themselves more hurt by judgmental, exclusionary spaces. Nowadays, people (claiming traditional religious affiliation and those that don’t) are finding ways to build communities of care and support outside of traditional institutions and structures. And I for one am pleased!!!

I’m here to tell you, it is your responsibility and freedom to build the best support system for your needs and desires. It can look like anything! If you have a pretty strict religious background it may be difficult to think creatively about community, but you have the autonomy and agency to do it! Perhaps your Sunday brunch group is the group that helps you get through difficult times. Great! Perhaps AA is a community of care and support that helps you remain steady through life’s rough terrain. Awesome! Perhaps playing Bid Whist with your buddies every first Friday is the thing that gives you life when you’re feeling drained and nearly drowned.

Our communities of care and support can be as unique and varied as we are. What is most important is that we have people, places, and spaces that can adequately support us as we walk life’s journey. We aren’t meant to do life alone. We also aren’t meant to do life in places that make us feel judged, condemned, and excluded. So feel free to build a community of care and support that demonstrates, accepts, and validates the unique gift you are. And don’t forget to LEAN IN when life is rough.

If you need help evaluating or building a community of care and support, contact me below and let’s work together to make sure you are adequately supported.

Support Systems

When I’m providing care in the hospital one of the things I’m assessing is a care-seeker’s support system. What do I mean by support systems? Quite simply, support systems are where we can find connection in times of crisis, because it is well known and researched that strong support systems are related to better outcomes in both physical medicine and mental health. 

So where do I find support and connection? We NEED each other for our spiritual health you know.

Socially- family and friends, social organizations, religious affiliations

Emotionally- trusted loved ones to talk to when you’re struggling, resources to find medical care for serious symptoms

Spiritually-  what is my relationship with the divine and what is my relationship with myself? Do my beliefs about the transcendent provide freedom or oppression? Am I connected to and trusting my own wisdom and knowing? What external resources do I have for available for spiritual support. What are my spiritual beliefs and values and how do I use them to guide me?

Physically- exercise, meditative practices

These are just some examples.

When you find yourself in rough times (preferably before), evaluate your support systems and determine how to best connect with them. This is not about codependency so having healthy boundaries is important. This is about one’s ability to access internal and external resources when they’re in need. Everyone deserves support. We understand that people deserve medical care. We are doing so much better with understanding that ALL people deserve mental health care. I am here to tell you: ALL people deserve spiritual care as well. 

Spiritual Care IS healthcare. We are at our best when we have access to internal and external resources and support. The strength and integrity of your support system is critical in these times. If I can help you with spiritual support please hit the button below and schedule an appointment for spiritual care.

We can get through anything and we gone get through everything TOGETHER.

What is Meaning Making?

Can we be honest with each other?

Sometimes life doesn’t make sense. Why do good people die young? Why do babies get cancer and other painful diseases? Why do people support systems that oppress themselves and others? Why do people abuse others?  Why are some people perfectly healthy despite hard living while others live clean and have a life of pain and disease? Why? Why? Why?

While we may find the the individual and systemic reasons some of these things happen, often, they still don’t make sense in our hearts and minds.

I have found in my personal journey and in helping others that chasing the why is often a fruitless journey and wasted energy. Even when I know why it doesn’t erase the pain of life’s devestating experiences. 

So when life doesn’t make sense, I make meaning. Meaning making is an intentional shift in perspective. Instead of asking, “Why? we can choose to answer the question, “What now?” In light of what I’ve seen, experienced and know, what do I want to do now? What is in my power to address, heal, change individually and communally? I have to decided this is where my energy is best served. Making sense of things doesn’t really give me any sense of purpose or direction, but making meaning can help direct my energy to something life-giving and fulfilling. 

I don’t know why disease exists and why people suffer so, but I have recognized in myself a gifting to care for the hurting and forgotten. I cannot always make sense of life’s pain, but I can walk with people through it. Being a hopeful companion to care seekers in need is my life’s work and I don’t need to know why things happen to be a support when things happen.

If you need help making meaning of life’s difficulty I am here to support you. Click the button below to schedule an appointment or send me an email to request a consultation.

REST…

When you are a driven person it can be hard to rest. Sometimes the difficulty is a function of a high drive and sometimes it is cultural conditioning about productivity and worthiness. I have a secret about your worthiness…read to the end.

Have you ever worked through lunch or your break only to find out you aren’t satisfied with the work you produced? What a waste! What if you viewed rest as part of the process instead of an interruption to your process?

In the Christian tradition the creation story suggests that even God accounted for rest as part of the creative process. God created all the things God intended to create, and on the sixth day of creation looked around and declared that the creation was good. The next day God rested from creative activity and, I like to think, looked around and reflected on the good work God had done. Now certainly God doesn’t have a body that needs rest and the creation story is likely designed to teach us lessons about how to live in the created world. The lesson: Create. Rest. It’s really that simple.

When I was in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) learning to become a competent chaplain, one of the things I loved was that reflection was built into the process. We were expected to make time each week to reflect on our work with care-seekers and our work within ourselves. Think of the process of reflection like looking into a body of water. I cannot see my reflection until the water is still and at rest. Then I can see clearly and examine all that I see.

I talk about life as a healing journey quite a bit. When we have lived through trauma and loss we are literally creating a new world in front of us using the building blocks of our experience. How can I know if I like what I am building or how I am building it if I don’t stop and reflect on my creation and the process by which I am creating?

One of the the things I do for a living is create safe-enough spaces for care-seekers to process a myriad of emotions related to grief and loss. It is a difficult task and it takes an enormous amount of energy. As a Black Christian woman I was conditioned to believe it was somehow virtuous to give until I had nothing to give myself- it was called sacrificial giving. As one of the elders in my church used to say, “Not so!” It’s not just a bad idea to “pour on empty,” it can be dangerous.

I use this analogy regularly in my work to demonstrate the point:

When you fly commercial airlines part of the safety demonstration is about oxygen masks. The flight attendant demonstrates how to don the oxygen mask and gives the following instructions, “In the event of a loss of cabin pressure the oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Please secure the mask over your own nose and mouth before attempting to assist others.”

Why? Let’s say you have a minor child, an elderly parent, or a disabled adult with you that needs your help getting on and off the plane. If you put their oxygen mask on first you may have deprived yourself of oxygen long enough to be hypoxic. Hypoxia, low oxygen, can cause headaches, shortness of breath, and confusion among other symptoms. Do you really want to be confused in an emergency where someone else needs your assistance? By putting your mask on first you actually are helping yourself AND the person who needs you. Rest is a way to care for yourself and refill your internal resources so you are then prepared to help others out of your abundance.

And, oh! That secret about your worthiness I spoke about? Your worth is static. It is NOT connected to your productivity. I believe our worth is inherent, bestowed upon us by the creator, not a system that wants to convince us to continually produce for it’s benefit (but that’s a whole other conversation).

Moral of this story: Rest was part of the process from the beginning. Rest is necessary time and space for the reflection needed to continue to heal and grow. Rest is a way to refill our resources so we can continue the work we are here to do.

REST!!!

If you’d like to work with me for spiritual care or grief care related to worthiness and rest click the button below and let’s get started.

ADVERSITY…

I was 9 years old when I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune kidney disease and I’ve been managing the symptoms since then.

I was 10 years old the first time one of my knee caps dislocated and my knee pain has been constant ever since.

I experienced physical and sexual trauma in my childhood.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2010 and lived with life limiting pain until my hysterectomy in 2018. I still manage the lasting damages endometriosis did to my body.

I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) and Major Depressive Disorder-Recurrent (MDD-R) in 2014 after many years of under-managed signs and symptoms.

Some years ago an anesthesiologist required a pre-procedure clearance because of my extensive medical history. When he walked in the room he joked that I looked amazing considering my medical chart.

And on, and on…

Often during my work in the hospital I encounter others like me, with a laundry list of mental and physical illnesses, who wonder, “Why me?” “I was raised in church and have been a faithful person all my life,” they often say. “I’m saved. I pray. I read my Bible. I don’t understand why this is happening to me,” they lament.

My friends, faith doesn’t insulate us from adversity. Life is full of trials and problems and we are all going to get our share. This is just the way life goes. If you’ve been taught faith will prevent you from going through the difficulties of life, I’m here to help correct that harmful theology. In the Christian tradition God promises to be with us through everything. That means we are going to go through some of everything.

Faith is not a fire insurance policy or a get out of jail free card. Faith is a foundation on which our lives can be built. Faith is where we may find the deeply held beliefs and values that give our lives meaning in the midst of difficult times. So how then do we overcome the adversity in our lives and continue to live a life of meaning and purposeful movement?

As I said. Faith is a foundation. When our lives are built on a sure foundation, we can overcome any adversity or obstacle that comes our way. Adversity provides us with an opportunity to confront our harmful theology, to clarify our beliefs and values, to reconstruct as necessary, and to practice, as an old hymn writer wrote, “Leaning on the everlasting arms.”

Whatever your religious tradition, your faith in the God of your understanding, the universe, the ancestors, etc., is what will help you remain hopeful and steady when adversity knocks on your door. And if it hasn’t knocked yet, you have time to prepare yourself, because it will. Remember, that is just life.

When you are going through difficult times you may want to isolate, but that is often the worst thing to do. Lean into your community. Let the people who have proven they can hold space for you know you need support. Never assume people know what you need. Even the most well meaning and compassionate among us cannot read your mind. Use your words. Let people know how they can help support you when you are struggling through life’s difficulties. It is so important to remember that you are not alone and we can get through anything together.

If you need individual spiritual care or support right now please use the button below to book a session with me, and let’s find ways to provide you the additional support you need.

I love you!

I mean it, mean it, mean it, MEAN IT!

Empowerment =

The Oxford Dictionary defines empowerment as “authority or power given someone to do something” and “the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s own life and claiming one’s rights.” Many of us walk through life allowing circumstances to happen to us as if do not have control over anything in our lives. While I may not have control over every circumstance that befalls me, I do have control over the direction of my life and how I make meaning of the circumstances of my life. I often say: when things don’t make sense, make meaning. Meaning making is the process by which I determine how I am going to use what has happened to me as fuel for my soul’s work.

For many years now I have been working to use the circumstances of my life for both personal growth and to help others grow. I also help care-seekers through the meaning making process so they can live empowered, powerful lives. How? I’m glad you asked.

First, I explored my inner world and embraced a sense of calling. I believe we all have gifts and passions that clue us in to what we are meant to share with the world. Sometimes it’s scary to follow that small voice pushing you, almost begging you, to follow it and live an authentic life. But honestly, ignoring that inner calling often leads to a life of torture spent wandering aimlessly.

Which leads us to my second point:

One of the ways to control one’s own life is with purposeful movement. Instead of reacting defensively to life, purposeful movement allows us to walk through our lives according to our deeply held beliefs and values. We can move with purpose and on purpose when we know what we believe and what concepts we hold near and dear. For example, I am a truth teller. I am called to speak truth to power, so clear communication is a deeply held value. When I engage care-seekers I check in often to make sure they are feeling heard and understood, and to determine if they are understanding what I’m communicating. When you move with purpose you increase your confidence in your ability to trust your own wisdom and co-create your desired story.

Finally, life hold its fair share of mystery, even with regards to empowerment…

Honestly, there is a piece of empowerment that can only be described as divine fire. Sometimes, I don’t want to speak truth to power. Sometimes, I don’t want to preach. Sometimes, I would rather be quiet. But as Jeremiah 20:9 reads, if I don’t, it becomes “like fire shut up in my bones.” So when I am tired, I rest…then, I lean into the power of the Divine Creator to do what I’m on this earth to do. My power is limited, but God’s power is unlimited and available to me to do my soul’s work.

This week take some time to explore the things you’re passionate about as you lean into your sense of calling and move with purpose and on purpose. Then find ways to tap into the power of the Divine to supercharge your mission!

What resonated with you today? I’d love to hear about it!

If you’d like some support discerning your calling or exploring your beliefs and values, you can book an individual spiritual care session by clicking the button below.

I love you!

I mean it, mean it, MEAN IT!!!

-The Funky Chaplain

Feelings…

I’ve been working to resolve the pain of my traumas for nearly twenty years now. I’ve also been trained and working as a Spiritual Care Clinician (chaplain) for almost 12 years. One thing I have learned again and again is feelings can be a rowdy bunch! They give us a lot of information; and while that information is real, it isn’t always a true assessment of reality. Feelings are often indicators of unmet needs that are calling for exploration.

For example, one of my core traumas is abandonment trauma. Some of my critical needs were not met throughout my childhood and the impact continues to reverberate through my life. There will be current situations and events that trigger my abandonment trauma and I will feel abandoned. However, the feeling of abandonment, while very real, is not true. The truth is I am well supported and I can take an inventory to prove that fact. I have both internal resources from years of building tools in therapy and external resources from years of building a supportive community around me.

Try this exploration the next time you experience rowdy feelings:

I FEEL (feeling).

I NEED (type of support)

Example:

I FEEL abandoned/lonely

I NEED community/reassurance.

Don’t forget to communicate your needs to your support system, because even the most loving person cannot read your mind. I hope this helps you be kind and compassionate with yourself today.

If you need more supportive relationships or you’re looking to explore your spiritual needs and how to meet them, I am available for individual spiritual care sessions. Shoot me an email at funkychaplain@renitawalker.com or use the book an appointment button below to schedule an exploratory session.

I love you!

I mean it, mean it, MEAN IT!

-The Funky Chaplain